The Walrus Said

The time has come, the walrus said.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. What a journey it has been and yet there is still so much of it left. I spent a great deal of the early weeks/months complaining about this new little life and wondering what I had gotten myself into. Now I realize just how special this little person is to me and to EVERYONE around me. Since I've gotten more noticeably pregnant (i.e. HUGE), coworkers, guests and even strangers have something to say. Being this far along I'm seeing how much I've grown (both physically and emotionally). There have been ups and downs that go along with pregnancy and hormones but I'd like to think that I've kept my cool more often than not and that I still have that level head and ability to look at my own life and see how I've changed.
With 7 weeks left until my due date, a completely different set of worries have popped up. For a while I saw all the fun things about being a mommy and I knew about the not so fun things; crying, poop, spit up, latching problems with breastfeeding. But none of them seemed to really set in. I've always wanted to be a mommy so I know I'll be fine and with my better half here to help, what can go wrong?
This past week I started really being concerned about labor. Lots of people have told me their stories for each of their children even though I didn't ask, but I don't think I ever thought of the real technical parts of labor. Now I'm concerned about knowing that I'm in labor, knowing that its the real thing, knowing when to call the doctor and go to the hospital. I've also been researching pain control options. The most obvious of these is an epidural, which is what I have decided upon. The scary, unknown part of this; a catheter?! Who knew? I sure didn't! And it has me slightly worried. I just keep reminding myself of all the other women who have done it before me. If they can make it, so can I. It's just not something I've ever experienced before and didn't think I would. Why did no one tell me that's part of an epidural?
Another thing bothering me? What if we don't have this sweet little baby? What if he turns out to be a fussing machine? Are we prepared to handle that? I can deal with little to no sleep if I have a cute, quiet baby to look at, but one that cries all the time? And I know that if ever I come to a point where I can't handle it, I have a huge support system ready to step in and help out. I just want to be the super mom that doesn't need the help.
So as we draw closer and closer to meeting this little boy, the time has come. To pack the hospital bag, to preregister at the hospital, to make sure his clothes are washed and his bottles clean, to make sure we have enough diapers to make it through the first week (how many is enough?), and to mentally prepare myself for labor and delivery and an epidural and a catheter and the possibility of a colicky baby.
Until then, I'll enjoy having little Wes with me all the time :)
Brittany

The Desires of my Heart

My intentions with this blog were not for me to post only when I was feeling down and depressed but somehow that's what happens. It sure is my place to vent and get thoughts and feelings out.

Today, January 25, 2011 should not be a depressing day for me. Just this morning we found out that our little bundle of joy will be a boy! And let me tell you, we are stoked!

Why then am I talking about being depressed? First of all, these stupid hormones are getting to me! I can be super happy all day and then one little thing sets me off and I'm crying like a baby the rest of the evening. What's bothering me tonight? school loans :( If I could have predicted all of this, I would not have even gone to college. It has not proven to be worth it. I can't find a job in my field because I have no experience, I can't get experience because no one will hire me. Vicious circle!

I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I apply for every job under the sun and take whatever I can get so that I have an income of some sort to help our family out and then go back to looking in a few months when I'm unhappy again or do I find something that I might enjoy and risk not finding anything for a few months. Being pregnant doesn't help my cause either. No one wants to hire a woman who will be around long enough to be trained before taking 6 weeks off to be with her newborn child.

So many people have told me that I need to do what's best for me and this baby. But what is best? If it were up to me I would be a stay at home mom. That's all I've ever wanted for myself. I'd love a career but I'd love even more to be able to stay home with my kiddos and teach them and watch them grow. Ideally I would do just as my mother did and also watch other people's children, to help with finances.

Unfortunately, today is not the day for me to be a stay at home mom. Being part of the middle class has left us like so many other hard-working Americans, struggling. We're a little too proud to ask for help, from family or the government. Sadly, it may be what it comes to. Being like so many others that have fallen and can't seem to get back up.

So I leave you with this, if you are an employer, think about the thousands of unmolded, inexperienced people out there that are just as capable of learning the skills as someone who has 5 or more years. And if you're a parent, don't push your child to go to college, if it isn't what they want, they'll figure something out.

TTFN

Brittany

A Jumble of Thoughts

There is so much going on in my brain today. With my body beginning its changes to support another life for eight months, and my cats having fleas, and me wanting more money, I just need to get it all out.

I suppose we can start with the easiest....the cats :) They both had fleas when we got them so we bathed them as soon as we got home and thought we had killed them all. But somehow, four months later, we still have a flea problem. We (Jerri) sprayed the apartment while we were on vacation, skidz gets a bath every couple of weeks, and we've put flea medicine on them! I don't know what to do anymore.... I bought a flea collar today, so we'll give skidz another bath tonight and try that for a little while. Poor guy is all white so I can always spot the fleas. Yoda on the other hand is lucky enough to be gray and black and fleas can hide easily. Good thing because that girl HATES baths.

Next order of business, the weather? Well really it's a side note. It is almost Halloween, which means the end of October, and it is 90 degrees outside today. What is up with that? Two weeks ago I was wearing long sleeves into work and now I'm wanting to trade my pants back in for shorts.

Back on topic....let's see.... better job = more money
At least that's how I tend to see it. Minimum wage just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm sure my better half feels the strain too. He makes almost double what I make and he's stuck paying all the bills. I love my job, but I hate being paid in smiles. I go in and do my best to deal with the people and make their vacations magical and memorable, but some of the stuff I deal with is worth a LOT more than $7.25 an hour. The worst part is that my program isn't over until January so I can't even start looking or applying for another job until December. That's another month and a half of sitting back and taking this.
I want so badly to make more and help my better half take care of us. But this time I chose my love of the business over the wages. I didn't originally think it was that big of a deal, but I feel the strain now. I'm ready to move on and have a "career". (Even though I still don't feel old enough for one of those).

Last thing for today: BABY!
I never though I would be doing a mommy blog. Complaining about pregnancy symptoms, sharing gruesome details that I don't even want to hear about, and sharing my thoughts and fears about childbearing and child rearing.

I guess we can start with these stupid symptoms. I hate waking up for work and dragging to get ready because I feel so nauseous. No vomiting yet, but I almost want to, so I can feel better. There are times when I don't think it's worth it to go through the nausea for a couple hours EVERY day, but I know when I hold this little baby, everything will change and I'll be thankful for that sickness. And my breasts, OH MY GOSH! They hurt to lay on, they hurt when I walk too fast, they hurt when I touch them...And they're getting bigger :( I had them reduced when I was in high school and that has proven to be pointless now. (I wouldn't change it, it definitely made college easier, but it was a waste now.)

Fears- being a mom was my biggest if not my only real goal in life. Ever since I was young all I wanted to be was a mommy. Going to and graduating from college was a time buyer. Having a career has never really crossed my mind (until now when I feel like we have no money, even though we are doing just fine!) Some days I feel like my biggest dream is also my biggest fear. I'm so afraid that I'll do one thing wrong in this eight months and not realize it until it's too late. Or maybe that I'll do something wrong during child birth and hurt myself causing recovery to take longer and making me useless for a few days or weeks. There are so many things about it that scare me; the pain, not knowing if I'm doing it right, waiting patiently. I'm normally patient (for the most part) but I think this might be the longest eight months of my life. June feels so far away.

But it's also good that June is so far. There are so many things to do. My only issue here is that I work better with a set deadline. And I'm bad about waiting for a while before I do things because I think they can wait. I know that preparing the apartment for a baby can wait for a little while, but right now I need to be focusing on my nutrition and health and exercising and preventing stretch marks....so many things! I don't want to wait too long, but I don't know that I can start now. I work all day, 5 days a week and by the time I get home I'm almost too exhausted to even cook dinner. I fall asleep around 8 or 9 and finally go to my bed around 10:30. I'm fighting my body on staying normal. I want to keep up with my pre pregnancy self, but I can't, and I probably shouldn't be trying.

All of this makes me feel like a terrible person...I should be beyond excited about this! Right? Well I am, I cannot wait to hold this baby and love it and teach it. My better half and I have been talking about it for at least a year and a half and we know what each other wants. But the waiting is soooo hard! I've spent so much time already just walking around the baby section of almost every store I walk into. I just don't want to get too far ahead and too excited and jinx it. I think I'll let myself be more excited after the new year, or after we know if it's a boy (or girl).
Until then, please let me be cranky and tired and help me get excited.
Brittany

College- The Full Circle

It struck me today that the last four years of my life have been quite a journey. It was an experience and a bit of an experiment. I wouldn't take any of it back or change one single moment. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this is no exception.
My other half called me a few weeks ago and hassled me about not being the woman he fell in love with and tried to convince me that he saw me struggling to be someone I was not. Of course my stubbornness kicked in and I denied all of it. I had a rough couple of weeks recently where I certainly was trying to be someone that I am not. I wanted to pretend to be 22 year old like my friends. I wanted to pretend that the bars and alcohol were my scene. I wanted to pretend that I was fun and outgoing in the same ways a lot of college aged people are. But the truth is, I'm not.
I am fun and outgoing and a normal 22 year old. But I do think my way. I've never been one to follow the pack and try to fit in. I'm comfortable sitting on the outside looking in. But the truth is, the woman he fell in love with probably wasn't the real me either. When I think about who I am, I'd like to describe myself as a Christian and a person who seeks God. I look back to when I first started college and I think that's the real me, that's who I was when I was at peace with the world before. And now I'm working on getting back to that.
You see, my life is coming full circle (in a way). I started out as a devout Christian, who attended church more than once a week. My circle of friends all stemmed from my place of worship and my extra curricular activities revolved around the fellowship and worship with those people. I drifted when I left for Disney, although that had not been the original intent, it happened. I fell away from my habits and tried to fit in. I became the complete opposite of what I had always known. There are things that changed during that time that will forever be a part of who I am now, but most of the differences won't last and shall fade over time.
When I began my career at Purdue University 4 years ago I thought of myself as an adult. I thought I was mature for my age and did everything to maintain that. Now that my time is coming to end, I am much more mature and am definitely an adult. I look at things differently and my goals are different, but I feel almost back to normal.
I know that I am still young and still have time to change and think and reflect and learn and I plan on doing all of the above, but I have also already learned that sometimes you have to step away and be something different before you can appreciate what's right in front of you.

Stream of Consciousness

Thought I would try a post like this since Mckmama has been doing them.

Today I had class and then lunch with my roommate and then came home to take a nap. I popped in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and fell asleep maybe halfway through. Now that I'm awake I think it might have been a bad idea. I feel like crap. I'm lonely and icky inside and I would love a walk and think that might help. Only problem is that it's sooo cold out! I don't want to walk through snow to feel better. Part of me thinks I might have depression, but I don't feel like this ALL the time, just when its cold outside and I'm all alone. :(

I wanted to do a post about winter break or being engaged or something fun but instead this is what you get. RAW! I said I'm lonely, but not just anyone would do. In fact I can think of a few people that could possibly make it worse if they showed up. Most of the time I only want one person, my other half.... I could use a good cuddle right now.

This weekend is Martin Luther King Junior day and I don't get to see the other half because neither of us can afford to drive the 7 hours. And I would go home, but mom's not there and I'm not sure what I'd do with dad. And so I'm thinking about heading down to see my sister. Which is odd since she was such a pain during break. But honestly it makes me want to cry when I think about sitting at school for a long weekend and not doing ANYTHING!

Boo for sadness and loneliness. I want to finish school so I can stop feeling like this. After I graduate I get to be with my other half all the time. And I'll have a full time job, so money and other people to be around as well. Oh I wish my roommate was home.

I think I might make some chocolate muffins or maybe some cupcakes. Gotta love baking things that are on sale after Christmas!


TTFN
Brittany

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!

Last night around 8:20 I picked my other half up at the airport and we went back to my parents house. After we went to bed and had turned off the boob tube, I got up to go the bathroom only to come back to my room with the light back on..... My other half was standing looking at my jewelry corkboard and asked me why I never wear any of that jewelry. Before I looked I started answering and then looked. He had placed my new ring on an empty push pin and then proceeded to ask me to marry him. I was so excited all I could do was hug him. So I'm still waiting for him to get down on his knee and ask me properly, but I've already said yes so it's official!

TTFN
Brittany

Marriage

As my other half and I take the appropriate steps toward being married, we have begun asking each other the more challenging questions. The one that has been on my mind most: "What does marriage mean to you?"

Jeff asked me this way back in March or April and I kind of flipped on him. We hadn't been together long and he brought it out of the blue, we hadn't really talked about getting married and I sure wasn't prepared to answer such a question. At that point I was still ecstatic that I still had a boyfriend. I wasn't planning that far ahead!

Anyway, marriage has come up in conversation a lot more often. We both frequently entertain the idea and often share our feelings with one another and celebrate what the future holds. Tonight as I was reading I thought back to when Jeff asked me the, then tough, question. He probably answered the question then, since he asked it, but I couldn't remember what he had told me. So I asked him again. And he told me the words that I would've told him had he asked me again.

To us, marriage is a commitment. It's saying, "I want to be with you forever." It means we are meant for each other. It means our love for one another is deeper than ever before. Hopefully, it means that there is complete trust that no one will ever interfere with our relationship. It means we're it for each other.



Happily, we are working towards a wedding. It's going to take a lot of work, but I know we can do it. (the planning, not the marriage) Right now, the plan is to do most of the work ourselves and enlist our close friends and families to help out with things like food and flowers. The critical details such as when, where, and whom are on standby until "The Question" is popped. We have a good idea of how we want things to go down, and where and all that jazz. This waiting stuff is killing me though. He occasionally gives me little hints, like that he's been saving a lot of money, and that he's found something he might buy soon and he can answer me when I ask when it's going to happen (he says before January first) and that helps build the anticipation. I'm so not the typical girl, I want to know all the secrets!



TTFN

Brittany