From Caterpillar to Butterfly

In the last 4 months I have experienced many emotions. From excitement and fear to joy and sadness. A lot has changed in me and for me. I've spent weeks working my ass off and other weeks sitting around. I've gained multiple transferable skills that will benefit me far into the future. I've made numerous new friends, from around the country and around the world, whom I will forever cherish. All of this sounds so wonderful. Why, then, at times was I so miserable?

After a few days of isolation and much consideration, I've decided that the person I've been for the last 4 months wasn't me at all. I'm a young woman who loves the closeness of her family and friends, who loves the great outdoors, who is a sponge for new knowledge and most important of all, I am a young woman who believes in Jesus Christ and His Love and forgiveness of sins.

I'm not entirely sure how I transformed into the boy crazy, jealous, typical teenage girl I became, but looking back, I'm not exactly proud. I once read something that said "Don't regret anything that once made you smile." All the wonderful things I've done this semester continue to make me smile. There are no regrets when you cross over from being an adolescent to being an adult.

I've done a few things since I've been in Florida, which I choose to keep to myself, which have made me feel 'all grown up'. I now know the one, tiny thing that changed me so much, my routine. I was so used to sleeping at night and doing everything I needed to during the day in between prior commitments. Within the first week this was blown to shreds. We stayed up until 4 in the morning, called in sick to work and did nothing productive. My first few days off were spent in the parks riding rides.

I quickly learned that you make no money if you don't go into work. I still had weeks where my paycheck didn't break $100, but there were a few days when I worked upwards of 12 hours or more. Even working so many hours, I still had the occasional off day. I didn't think much about it until I decided to extend and stay in the program until May.

When I broke the news to family and friends in Indiana, the overwhelming response was excitement and joy. I did get one doubt, from Pastor Glen. He's one of those amazing people who knows everything, even what you didn't tell him (he owes this talent to Facebook). Throughout the semester I would post my raw feelings in my status on Facebook and Glen would almost always respond. So he knew that more often than not I was unhappy in Florida. One thing he asked about my extension was, "Is staying at Disney good for your spiritual life?"

I feel like this is the one thing that made me step away from everything and really think about what I've become and what I had shut out of my life. I've slowly gotten things together for next semester and joining the intense Disciple Bible Study with Pastor Glen is a top priority. I'm also going to keep busy by attending a local church as often as possible, taking 3 distance education classes, taking one class through Disney and trying to work 6 days a week. I'm hoping that by staying busy I won't get myself into the rut of sorrow.

One proof I have that God is what's missing, is that I was so overjoyed that I almost cried last night at the Christmas Eve church service that I attended. I know that I belong in church. Those are my people.

Disney has been great and I love these people with all I have, but the mouse has brainwashed me. I smile at the smallest things, everywhere I go I expect people to wear name tags or pay outrageous prices for soft drinks and popcorn. Lines no longer bother me and small talk is easy to come by. However, none of this is true happiness, no matter how much I love it. Sitting in the immaculate, formal sanctuary of St. Luke's United Methodist Church I felt like a normal person. No one knew I worked for Disney, no one knew that I was from Indiana. It was so rejuvenating to look around the room and see close to 300 people not one of them wearing Mickey ears. Although it was kind of weird to sit in front of such a beautiful alter, listening to the most amazing singing voices I've ever heard sing traditional Christmas carols and not be taking pictures. This one hour of familiarity really brought me back to life. It reminded me of who I used to be and who so many people loved.

There are plenty of things I do now that I won't quit but they are no reason to stop loving me and no reason for me to stop loving and serving others.

Merry Christmas!