I once read a quote (on a facebook bumpersticker of course!) that said: "She may be confused about a lot of things, but she knows the only time she's truely happy is when she's with him." And I cannot begin to explain to you how true that is for me. So many things happen and go on from day to day that stress me out or upset me and there are even some that I don't even notice. Everyday I talk to my other half and in case you didn't know, we are in a long distance relationship, but being away from him is so hard for me sometimes. During school we see each other every few weekends. One of us will drive the incredibly boring 6-7 hours to see the other for about 40 hours. Some see this as a waste of gas, but we see it as the only way for the time being.
Every time I see him it makes it that much harder to be away. He recently took his finals and finished his junior year of college. He drove back home to Florida and is now 16 hours away from me, making it impossible for me to visit for the weekend. I, myself, am making that journey in about 5 weeks with my sister and I am so ready. I recently realized that I really am in love with him. Another quote I like says this: "You know you're in love when the hardest thing to say is good-bye." It has been less than a week since I have seen him and looked into those brown eyes and seen his freckled face. Today, sitting here in my apartment alone, I feel the pain of being alone. I know he's in my heart and I am texting him, but being physically alone puts a pain in my heart. It aches for him. I ache to be near him. When I think about it, tears well in my eyes. I can't control it. I just want for this phase in my life to be over.
Everything is gray right now. School goes from being easy and somewhat enjoyable to pure hell. And work goes from being something I want to do to something I dread. Being social goes from something that I desire to a chore. Everything is a blur. I long for the black and white life of childhood, back in a time when decisions were easy and the answer was yes or no. Now things are mostly maybe. I have a hard time relaxing and being focused on anything but getting out of here. I have eleven more days at school and it is so hard for me to live with that. A week and a half, that's it. Then I'm home for a few days before traveling to Colombia. It feels like time will pass quickly and so far it has, but I am terrified that it might drag on.
I know that when I'm with him, I am happy. I can relax and enjoy myself. Everything else slips away. Sometimes I fear that my life will be like that all the time after we get married and although I half way hope that it slips into an easy routine of work and play, I want people to notice the love we have for each other.
I had a dream not too long ago of working on a cruise ship. Naturally, I wanted it to be the Disney Cruise Line, seeing as how I am a cast member and I think that would benefit me in gaining a position on board. My other half shot the idea down immediately. I wasn't too happy about that at first. But now, I think he might be right. His reasoning was that we can hardly stand to be away from each other now, what would we do if we couldn't see each other AT ALL for six months straight? Although it was a dream I once had, I have let it go, mostly. I went on a cruise for spring break this year and although I had a splendid time, it was really hard to be on a ship with no contact with him and not being able to share those moments with him. I cried for him almost daily, like I said, I had a wonderful time, but it would have been soooo much better with him there. I would love to go on another cruise but thinking about spending days at sea and not being able to look into those eyes of his makes me cry.
Gray. Gray. Gray.
I want my life to be black and white. I want to know what is going to happen and when. I want to be with him all day every day. To be near him. To know that I don't have to leave.
I want him.
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