A Jumble of Thoughts

There is so much going on in my brain today. With my body beginning its changes to support another life for eight months, and my cats having fleas, and me wanting more money, I just need to get it all out.

I suppose we can start with the easiest....the cats :) They both had fleas when we got them so we bathed them as soon as we got home and thought we had killed them all. But somehow, four months later, we still have a flea problem. We (Jerri) sprayed the apartment while we were on vacation, skidz gets a bath every couple of weeks, and we've put flea medicine on them! I don't know what to do anymore.... I bought a flea collar today, so we'll give skidz another bath tonight and try that for a little while. Poor guy is all white so I can always spot the fleas. Yoda on the other hand is lucky enough to be gray and black and fleas can hide easily. Good thing because that girl HATES baths.

Next order of business, the weather? Well really it's a side note. It is almost Halloween, which means the end of October, and it is 90 degrees outside today. What is up with that? Two weeks ago I was wearing long sleeves into work and now I'm wanting to trade my pants back in for shorts.

Back on topic....let's see.... better job = more money
At least that's how I tend to see it. Minimum wage just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm sure my better half feels the strain too. He makes almost double what I make and he's stuck paying all the bills. I love my job, but I hate being paid in smiles. I go in and do my best to deal with the people and make their vacations magical and memorable, but some of the stuff I deal with is worth a LOT more than $7.25 an hour. The worst part is that my program isn't over until January so I can't even start looking or applying for another job until December. That's another month and a half of sitting back and taking this.
I want so badly to make more and help my better half take care of us. But this time I chose my love of the business over the wages. I didn't originally think it was that big of a deal, but I feel the strain now. I'm ready to move on and have a "career". (Even though I still don't feel old enough for one of those).

Last thing for today: BABY!
I never though I would be doing a mommy blog. Complaining about pregnancy symptoms, sharing gruesome details that I don't even want to hear about, and sharing my thoughts and fears about childbearing and child rearing.

I guess we can start with these stupid symptoms. I hate waking up for work and dragging to get ready because I feel so nauseous. No vomiting yet, but I almost want to, so I can feel better. There are times when I don't think it's worth it to go through the nausea for a couple hours EVERY day, but I know when I hold this little baby, everything will change and I'll be thankful for that sickness. And my breasts, OH MY GOSH! They hurt to lay on, they hurt when I walk too fast, they hurt when I touch them...And they're getting bigger :( I had them reduced when I was in high school and that has proven to be pointless now. (I wouldn't change it, it definitely made college easier, but it was a waste now.)

Fears- being a mom was my biggest if not my only real goal in life. Ever since I was young all I wanted to be was a mommy. Going to and graduating from college was a time buyer. Having a career has never really crossed my mind (until now when I feel like we have no money, even though we are doing just fine!) Some days I feel like my biggest dream is also my biggest fear. I'm so afraid that I'll do one thing wrong in this eight months and not realize it until it's too late. Or maybe that I'll do something wrong during child birth and hurt myself causing recovery to take longer and making me useless for a few days or weeks. There are so many things about it that scare me; the pain, not knowing if I'm doing it right, waiting patiently. I'm normally patient (for the most part) but I think this might be the longest eight months of my life. June feels so far away.

But it's also good that June is so far. There are so many things to do. My only issue here is that I work better with a set deadline. And I'm bad about waiting for a while before I do things because I think they can wait. I know that preparing the apartment for a baby can wait for a little while, but right now I need to be focusing on my nutrition and health and exercising and preventing stretch marks....so many things! I don't want to wait too long, but I don't know that I can start now. I work all day, 5 days a week and by the time I get home I'm almost too exhausted to even cook dinner. I fall asleep around 8 or 9 and finally go to my bed around 10:30. I'm fighting my body on staying normal. I want to keep up with my pre pregnancy self, but I can't, and I probably shouldn't be trying.

All of this makes me feel like a terrible person...I should be beyond excited about this! Right? Well I am, I cannot wait to hold this baby and love it and teach it. My better half and I have been talking about it for at least a year and a half and we know what each other wants. But the waiting is soooo hard! I've spent so much time already just walking around the baby section of almost every store I walk into. I just don't want to get too far ahead and too excited and jinx it. I think I'll let myself be more excited after the new year, or after we know if it's a boy (or girl).
Until then, please let me be cranky and tired and help me get excited.
Brittany